Deus Machina, Eh?
by Myth Queen
Summary: A rewrite of Ex Dues Machina. Jack is still head of SG-1, Ba'al hasn't been discovered on earth, and Oma's fanclub is getting bored. Warning; Reading this may lower your IQ - significantly!


"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Sarah Gardner came running into the SGC screaming.

"Sarah!" Daniel cried, grabbing onto her. "What's wrong?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Sarah. "Ba'al is on earth!"

"What!" shouted Jack.

"I was shopping when one of the clerks came up to me and said; 'Can I help you?' When I turned around, it was him. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Did he recognize you?"

"Yes." Sarah took a deep breath. She was turning red. "He said 'Osiris!' And then I said; 'No, I'm Sarah. Osiris is dead! Leave me alone'."

"And then what did he do?" Sam asked.

Sarah started sobbing into Daniel's shoulder. "His eyes glowed, and I ran away."

"Its okay, Sarah." Daniel said, patting her back. "He can't hurt you."

"Thanks, Daniel." Sarah wiped her eyes and smiled. "What would I ever do without you?"

Tealc raised an eyebrow.

The phone rang. Jack answered it. "O'Neill."

"Is Osiris's former host there?" inquired the voice at the other end. It sounded suspiciously familiar.

"Yes." Jack replied, "But she doesn't want to talk to you, Ba'al."

"How did you know it was me?" wailed Ba'al.

"Not very many people have Goa'uld voices." Jack said smugly. "Why are you on earth?"

"I'm not going to talk over the phone. Meet me at Dairy Queen."

"Ok." Jack said, and hung up. "That was Ba'al."

"What did he want?" Sam asked.

"He wants to meet us at Dairy Queen."

"Oh."

Sarah wrinkled her nose. "Osiris liked ice-cream, too."

Tealc's eyes glazed over. "IIIccceee-cccrrreeeaaammm....." he said in a zombie-like manner.

"Well, we'd better go."

"This is so stupid." Scaara said, flicking a few lightning bolts around. "We can't do anything. Not even for _them_."

"Tell me about it." said one of his fellow Abadonians.

"Hey! I have an idea!"

"What?"

Scaara rubbed his hands together and chuckled. "First, we'll go back in time...."

"That's disgusting." Jack muttered to Sam as they watched Ba'al eat fifteen spoonfuls of ice-cream in one bite.

"Yeah."

"Okay, what do you want?" Daniel finally asked.

"Another ice-cream." Ba'al replied. "Brain freeze!" he clutched his head in pain and then laughed crazily and ate more ice-cream.

Tealc raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps if we take away the ice-cream he will talk."

Ba'al glared at him. "You just want it for yourself!" he spat.

Tealc didn't respond. It was true. He wanted to save the poor ice-cream from a fate worse than death; being eaten be Ba'al.

"Okay, okay." Ba'al reluctantly put down his spoon. "I want to live on earth in peace and harmony."

Jack laughed.

"I'll obey earth rules!" Ba'al picked up his spoon again. "And to make sure you leave me alone, I've planted a bomb in a highly populated area."

"You know, that's generally against earth rules."

Ba'al looked confused. "So," he said, changing the subject, getting over the fact that he wasn't all-knowing, "Are you ever gonna marry Major Carter?"

Sam looked at Jack, waiting on the edge of her seat for the answer.

"None of your business." Jack replied, blushing.

Sam leaned back, disappointed. She wanted him to say 'Yes'.

Tealc raised an eyebrow.

Unbeknown to them, Scaara's plan was already underway. And several ascended beings were floating over the table with glazed eyes.

"IIIccceee-cccrrreeeaaammm....."

"We have to stop him!" cried Sam.

"I agree." Tealc said, looking worried. At the rate things were going, Ba'al would eat all of earth's ice-cream in a month!

"Okay, here's what we'll do;" Jack took control, as he always did. Sam smiled at him, beaming. Her commanding officer was such a hero. Commanding officer... Right.

"Daniel, you find the bomb. Tealc, keep tabs on Ba'al. Do not let him escape into the public. Sam, you find out how he got here."

"And what about you, sir?" Sir Jack, the bravest of them all.... Commanding officer.

"I've got a date." Jack said, looking at his watch.

"Pete!" Sam suddenly sobbed. "Pete, I'm sorry! It was all for nothing! I could have been happy with you! But I can't marry the man I truly love. He's my commanding officer!" Except she was sobbing so hard that nothing after 'I could have been happy with you!' was coherent.

Jack patted her back. "There, there." He longed to sweep her into his arms and kiss away those tears. Pete was a loser.

"Okay, let's get going." Daniel said. Both he and Tealc left, taking Sam's car.

"Can you drive me to the mountain?" Sam asked Jack.

"Sure."

Suddenly there was a huge burst of light, and Sam and Jack were no longer there.

Tealc entered Dairy Queen and ordered an ice-cream.

"I'm sorry, sir." the waitress said. "But I'm afraid we're out. _That_ 'gentlemen' ate it all."

Tealc's face fell into disbelief. Slowly, very slowly, anger mounted in his expression and he turned around. Ba'al was finishing off a buster bar. He reached for an ice-cream sandwich...

With a roar, Tealc leaped over the table and tackled him. Ba'al howled in fury as Tealc grabbed the remaining ice-cream and bolted out of the door.

"You will pay for your insolence!" he yelled, starting to chase him. "I want my ice-cream!"

"Daniel."

Daniel looked around. To his surprise, Scaara was standing on the street. "Scaara! What are you doing here?"

"Not much. But I thought I'd tell you that the bomb has been eliminated."

"How?"

Scaara shrugged modestly. "I am ascended."

"Oh, yeah." Daniel grinned. "That problem's over."

Scaara nodded. "Daniel, you must go back to the SGC. There is someone who needs you." He grinned. "Her name starts with a 'S'."

"Ok." Daniel said.

Sam looked around. She was in a beautiful ball gown, sitting at a table, across from a handsome Jack in a suit. She smiled at him, and he smiled back.

"Did you plan this?" she asked.

"No." Jack said. "Didn't you?"

"No."

"Well, who did?"

"I did."

Jack and Sam looked around. "Janet?"

"Yep!" Janet Fraiser clapped her hands. Several waiters came out of nowhere and began serving Jack and Sam a meal.

"Martouf/Lantash?" Sam said.

"Yes." Martouf said, "And here's Jolinar/Rosha."

"Hi."

"I'm sorry for not asking to use you as host." Jolinar said.

"That's okay." Sam said.

"Oh, by the way," Jolinar turned to Jack, "She loved you even then. That why I tried the 'Jack, please don't leave me' I was desperate."

"That's okay." Jack said.

Jolinar fell asleep and raised her head as Rosha. "I'd totally go for him if I wasn't already in love." Rosha told Sam. "Don't let him get away!"

Martouf/Lantash and Jolinar/Rosha left, gazing lovingly into each other's eyes.

"Jacob!" Jack exclaimed. "You're here too?'

"Yep." He gave the two of them a stern look. "Are you going to follow my advice or not?"

"What advice?" Jack asked.

"'Don't let rules stand in the way.'" He said. "Selmak agrees, too."

"Oh."

He left. Jack looked at Sam. "Are we dead?"

"Nope." Janet said. "You're not dead. Everybody else is ascended. Scaara and the rest of Abydos wrote a constitution that separated them as a distinct government from the Ancients, and they're allowed to ascend whoever they want, and intervene noticeably when more than three people agree on a course of action."

"Oh, ok."

Sha're stopped kissing Daniel. "My Dan-yel." she said.

"...." said Daniel.

Sarah came in. "Oh, hi Daniel." she said.

"Sahra, dis me wife." Daniel said, still in shock.

"Oh, it's so nice to meet you!" Sarah exclaimed, shaking Sha'are's hand. "I'm glad Daniel's finally got himself a wife. I didn't think he'd ever stop working."

"You don't understand." Daniel said. "She died years ago."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Sarah gave her a sympathetic look. "Dying is a really nasty business, isn't it?"

Sha'are nodded. "But I'm alive again. Scaara helped me ascend and then we had to come back forward in time and I descended."

Suddenly, a flash of light. Janet Fraiser, Mourtuf/Lantash, Jolinar/Rosha, Jacob/Selmak, Aldwin, Norim, Kewolsky, and all the good guys that have died (including that funny kid from the original movie) were suddenly in the room.

"Hi." they said.

"Guess what?" Janet laughed giddily. "Jack and Sam..."

Jack and Sam walked through the door, holding hands. "We're engaged!" they announced, and then kissed. Daniel wasn't sure what to make of it. Part of him wanted to shout 'Finally' and the other wanted to kiss Sha'are.

"Finally!" he shouted, and then kissed Sha'are.

"A-HA!" Sergeant Parker yelled. "I KNEW IT!"

Tealc came running in, empty ice-cream containers in his arms. Ba'al came running after him, sobbing. "I want my ice-cream!" he sobbed, "Please, I just want ice-cream!"

"IIICCCEEE-CCCRRREEEAAAMMM!!!"

And they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
